[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
January is lasting longer than my marriage
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.