“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“you recording!?”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.