I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Big Sex has us all fooled
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)