Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Dune (2021)
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.