My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
That 👊
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
BaD BoY!!
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
constantly working on myself.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.