Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You Might Also Like
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I need this for my side hustle.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
this is so top tier i cant
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.