Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
the red hot silly peppers
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
this isn’t threatening at all
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
This a good idea
Where’s my employee discount too?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family