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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??