Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
A man of commitment.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now