Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
honestly, i need both:
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility