Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Not recommended for beginners.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
❤️❤️❤️
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’