[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…