“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful