She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.