“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!