The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.