I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.