Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
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My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.