[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
You Might Also Like
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room