Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.