This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Liquor Store Parking
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF