After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.