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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
o shit
What a website
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.