If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony