I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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Never forget.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.