[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?