So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
happy valentine’s day to me
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep