I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies