There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m listening
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
What
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though