Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.