More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!