When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Respect
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.