*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly