The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
sry
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess