ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Well, this certainly took a turn
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl