*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Well, this is awkward
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}