my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m too immature for adultery.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.