The big book of baby names but for safe words
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.