job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.