Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.