[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud