*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
You Might Also Like
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”