Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.