[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*