What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Found the job I’m suited for
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Nice try, NASA
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers