I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG