Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Okay me first
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.