waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
😜
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes