My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
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It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
mom had nothing to worry about
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click