mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.